12:41am

Let's go back to the part where we came here. I went to park my car and when I came back he was helping us move our things. It wasn't raining, it was just so hot that the sweat from moving had made me remember rain. I could feel everything happening that night, like I knew it would happen and this was just some sort of postponement, a distraction from real life. The reality was that all the way back in another state we had said things, made things clear. And yet we kept driving on into something we believed could or should change us. It wasn't so much a mistake as a not looking up at something being tossed your way. Have you ever been in a supermarket and been so hungry that nothing seems fit to eat? Your understanding of hunger is no longer a topic you can tackle. uncooked rice, raw meat, packaged goods; nothing is in reach. In fact, it was raining. It was raining, but it was still hot, like in a Bollywood movie where everyone is dancing around in hot rain, not kissing. I would reach for something, anything, like a bag of flour or a package of toothpaste and I would pour out the contents into a bowl I had saved in the kitchen. Everything had something to do with something else, and nothing tasted good. Have you ever been in a supermarket and been so hungry that nothing seems fit to eat? I reached for things such as a bottle of wine and a loaf of bread and some box of wheat bran and I couldn't do it. I put the bread to my lips and all I could do was shut my eyes and imagine the thing I really wanted. Because it was thirst. I tore through the aisles of hard dry goods until I came to the section of the store that they reserve for 'cold drinks' and I scoured the display for my drink. I opened the bottle and flicked the top onto the floor. I drank the entire jug of water right there in front of the kid who was restocking the shelves, who looked at me with indifference and also maybe with a look that said 'I get off work in three hours and then I am going to leave this place'. I bought four more bottles of water and put them in the back of the car. It was raining, pouring down now. I unloaded our things into the room. I heard voices and looked around at the empty space. There was nothing in the room that seemed to want to be filled. No place for some of the things I had brought. That night I should have known that some things are set upon us before we can react to them. They are there hanging in the night. Have you ever seen a hot air balloon trying to take off while it is still secured to the grass? It doesn't really heave away or make any effort to escape, but you can see the inevitable. You can clearly see its wanting to float away and this night was no different. I should have turned around and slid out the door. I might have done that, but if I had then this story would have never found its way back to the end. I might still be there in that empty room waiting to move things around and shift its shapes. I should have put curtains up at least, but curtains seemed too permanent.

Last night I had a dream that I had lost all of my eyelashes. I was trying to paint some on the tops of my eyelids. I also had a dream about my cat. My cat has been dead for at least 4 years now, but I don't think he knew he was dead in my dream because he was looking for something to catch. I followed him in a car, I was driving extremely slowly so that I could watch him stalk whatever was in the grass. It was like a grassy swamp with my orange cat somewhere inside. I did finally get him back in the car, and I when I woke up I felt like that was a nice way to end the dream.