30.6.11

in the middle of the night of the summer

i am a little lonely for everyone i have ever known and sometimes in the middle of the night i panic. i think about the things we've done and how they float further and further from now. every second longer lasting and more distant. when i think about us. we were so good. we were so right even when we hated it. i think about you living with someone new. my head swims. my heart gets too big for my throat. and then i am reminded about all of the people who share that space. i think about how before i met you i didn't know there was room for you in there, but clearly i didn't know anything at all. and that thought is the only thing that keeps me hopeful for someone else. i think that if i do find them they should do some cleaning up in there, because honestly is it good to store all of those things in that space for this long? and i wonder about you too. are you happy with the person who took my place? does she have you wrapped around her finger like you used to let me drag you around? you liked it because you told me. and when i am this lonely i think i liked it too, even though in the morning i will remember more clearly that i didn't like that part at all. and you too. there you are at the very bottom, almost like a sandy bottomed well. you are the heaviest, even though i barley knew you at all. you sit, sodden and sunken in the deepest part. that isn't even you fault, you were just the first. and thats okay, because you let everything else rise to the top and i like it like that. and i am here alone in this room, in someone else's house thinking about mistakes and times when i was selfish or sad when i should have been kind and happy. and you should have too. to have a mirror on my life with you i would have changed us. could have spent more time alone preparing for my time apart from things. last time, i tried to think about what i wanted after you, and then you came along before i could decide. this time, i am doing it right. i am waiting it out, just to see if you are out there. you are all so important to the way i think about the love i have. you are distinguished gentlemen, but only because i say so. i am determined to never let you go, and every part of you that loved me is still here.

1 comment:

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